“I do believe, help my unbelief”

It has been quite a month. Mainly because my little one fell and busted up his teeth. He ended up losing one, or so we thought and we finally got him into the dentist for an x-ray and they said the tooth was fractured and the root was still in the gum and the other tooth was loose and would have to come out too. Now we are looking at extracting both. I basically just had a pit in my stomach. Now, I realize that it is not the end of the world and it is “only his baby teeth” but it is HIS BABY TEETH!!! The cutest teeth a kid will ever have…one of my favorite features about him. I don’t think I have fully grieved the fact that this happened to my baby, but it bothers me. He is oblivious to it all, except for a few inconveniences and of course will still do nose dives toward the fireplace despite my obvious discomfort (= Anyway, through this whole process what I realized is that there is this lingering pocket of unbelief in my heart from when my dad passed away. After all, we were praying and all believing that he would be healed. I know he is in a better place, but we still did not see what we were believing for. For the last year my heart cry has been to see God show up in a major way and do the impossible. I want to see the unseen….I am contending for it. God revealed to me that just praying for Luke was not enough, but I needed Him to heal the unbelief in my heart. I have tried to overcome it on my own by just saying that I believe, but this scripture called me out. Mark 9:24b ” I do believe, help my unbelief.” That is exactly what I feel!! I set aside some time to seek the Lord on this and it was amazing what He did in my heart. I woke up Monday of this week with this untainted hope and expectancy in my heart. I have not felt that in so long, and it was not from a place of striving or fighting, but of rest. It is actually an awkward feeling, but good. I am resting and trusting and God did it all. I have let go of my expectations of what healing looks like and just have this expectancy in my heart that God is on the scene and will be true to His Word. I am asking for Jesus to have compassion on Luke and to heal his teeth and gums…I am believing for a miracle in his mouth, but the amazing part is God started with a miracle in my heart.

What are “The Walking Years”

You know….the years you would rather be jogging through, running through, sprinting through or even flying through, but God prefers that you walk through slowly with eyes wide open so you don’t have to learn all these lessons again when the cost is greater. For me it is being at home with small children (aka “the refiners fire”).

I love to jog. I know some do not relate, but it is one of my favorite things to do by myself. My head feels so clear and I feel so alive after a good run. Anyway, between being pregnant three times, three c-sections, three nursing babies and then the fact that there are three boys to take care of I have not exactly gotten to jog that much over the last six years. I do however go on walks.

One beautiful spring day I loaded up the double stroller with my five year old and my three year old, including drinks and snacks for the journey, wrapped on the baby sling and tucked my little two month old inside. It was our first big walk since he was born. It felt so good to be out, however, pushing 80 pounds around the neighborhood is not as refreshing as I thought it would be. As we were rounding our last corner, exhausted and ready to be home, I look over and was instantly overcome with feelings of depression. It was a young girl in her 20’s with her mp3 player clipped to her sleeve, her headphones tucked perfectly in her ears (blocking out the whining coming from my stroller) and her new jogging shoes moving so smoothly past our toddler parade. She looked so peaceful and light without a care in the world and it was then that I realized, I am in “the walking years”. (more to come on how God has redeemed this moment for me)